I have no vision for 2020
To be goal-less and happy
I have no vision for 2020. I have no definite goals for the year. Sure there are things I would like to accomplish, but nothing earth-shattering or mind-blowing. I tried to picture what I want for the year, I tried to put pen to paper to get something that I can focus on, but my mind just went blank. Nothing.
This has never happened before
I always have something that I am working towards, something that I am dreaming off. For the first time, my dreams have eluded me.
If you are a goal-orientated, self-motivating and driven person like myself, having nothing to work on can feel like the worst feeling in the world. Surely it was supposed to feel that way. But so far, no negative emotions. No anxiety about not writing or not producing, no sleepless nights about closing the shop for a while or staying off of social media. Just peace.
I needed to find out why
I dug into this, wanting to understand why I was so ok with not having a goal. With not knowing how my year will go or end, or how I will get there. After a fair amount of soul-searching, I came to the conclusion that it was because I was only now settling after all of my big changes.
We are now 2 months into being separated, and almost a month into being a single mom. I have gone through the gut-wrenching cry-your-eyes-out period and am now in the calm waters of acceptance (sure, every now and again a wave of anger threatens to capsize my liferaft). I have found my groove, have (kind of) sorted out our new routine and established our new normal. The kids are doing fine, I am doing fine and we are all happy. Everything is not going great, or according to plan most of the time, but we are happy.
After going through one of the roughest patches in my life we are now stable, with new challenges and new adventures. Two months back, when I was supposed to work out the vision and goals of 2020, I was still unsure of how we would deal with all of the changes. So instead of establishing goals, I focussed on working out coping mechanisms, new routines and comforts. Then, when everything started to fall into place, I think I realised that it felt really good to not know what must happen.
My new life
For the first time in my life, I get to live life on my own terms. I get to decide what I want, when I want it and how I want it. The freedom! It is exhilarating.
Here is to 2020
A blank canvas – that is what 2020 is. For now, I am focussing on myself. On growing, on coping, but more than anything else, on being happy. If something comes up in the course of the year and I want to pursue it, I will grab it with both hands. If not, then 2021 will be the year of smashing big goals and making my dreams come true.