{Personal} What The Greatest Showman has shocked me into realising [true story]

My fellow Simple Livers. As you might have noticed, I have been complaining about how long this year has been NON STOP. I think I started in October and it has just gained momentum. I have been in a bad mood, feeling anxious and angry at the same time, taking it out on the people around me. Why? Because I felt the year was long and hard? We have all had bad years, and yes (even after my aha-moment) I still agree that this year was shit and difficult and challenging and a long list of expletives that I cannot get myself to type. But that is not the reason why I have been feeling rundown and tired, not to mention the anger and frustration.

Last night Husband and I had a date night. Usually, I would have to say a long-overdue one, but we have been blessed these last couple of weeks with a regular date night. Because it kind of feels normal now, we decided to go out for a quick bite and then straight home to watch one of the many movies that we have missed over the last 4 years. We did just that. A quick early dinner and then straight home. My turn to pick the movie - in full disclosure I usually pick something I know he also wants to watch otherwise I have to try to enjoy the movie WITH HIS FACE. Very seldom does he enjoy my movies, and he makes no secret of it. But last night I decided to hell with it, live dangerously. I shall pick what I want to watch. The Greatest Showman it is. An old movie in today’s terms, I missed it when it was on both the cinema as well as television circuits. And I love those type of movies! They are pure escapism to me. Boldly I declared that is what I wanted to watch.

We started watching and the time just stood still. I loved every moment of it. The dancing, the music, the characters, the dialogue. The dancing! Did you see that?!? It was like I was in another world. I smiled and almost cried because I was living the movie. When we started watching I was kind of tired, but afterwards, I was so energised I felt I could run a marathon. And that is when it struck me. I love the energy, the colour, the lights, the noise. I remembered how, even though I don’t like people, I love standing in front of a crowd. I love entertaining - both being entertained and doing the entertaining.

These past few months, I have been lethargic and unmotivated. Not because I was tired, but because I had lost my spark. Somewhere along the line, I have forgotten that I need to be creative, and busy, and challenged. I need to feel like I have too much to do with too little time. I need that push. And I need to be more out there.

For years I taught. I was a lecturer at University and loved every single moment of it. Being in front of a class of 50 students, not just teaching but influencing, guiding and, because I am absurd and a bit awkward, entertaining them, I felt like I had found my calling. In the end, it wasn’t, but it kind of guided me on the path to where I was supposed to go. Now, my day job is my catering and events business. There are a few things that I enjoy more than doing a big event, talking to the people, organising the staff, planning everything and then watching it unfold exactly the way it was supposed to. Beautiful! I get my energy from that. Then I get home and there are two gorgeous wildlings who needs to be taught and inspired and encouraged. Glorious! Husband who I can have really tough and intellectual debates with, who will quietly sit back and allow me to tell him, to the smallest detail, what made me mad or excited that day. And then this blog, this wonderful community who allows me to put my thoughts and feelings on paper, to be creative, to share and learn and just be. Oh, how blessed I am!

I cannot believe that it took a movie for me to realise this. I need to start focusing on my passions, on what I really want to do. On who I want to be surrounded with. If I do that, the tiredness will disappear. Amazing how clear everything becomes when you realise the truth. And your true worth.

Starting today, I will focus on what I love. Yes the house needs cleaning, and the laundry has piled up again, and the garden needs attention. But those are just dressing on my actual wonderful life. The life that is within my power to make colourful, vibrant, busy and noisy.

Enjoy the last days of 2018, and may 2019 be The Greatest Year yet!