I attended my eldest daughter’s Gr R open day. There, in a room full of twos, I felt more alone than I have in months.
It started when I booked my spot for the open day and the lady asked if my husband would also be coming. Honey, if you can get him here I would gladly swallow my feelings and attend with him. But since time-travel doesn’t exist, nor do we have a portal connecting our different countries (or continents), the chance is zero. So no, he will not be attending, it will only be me.
Same as always. As with everything else.
Each room was already set out for us to listen to the introduction and presentations, to the school’s credit they maintained social distancing, even between couples. At first it must have not been that obvious, but as the day progressed, I become more and more aware of my single-momdom.
During the presentation, the other parent couples shared remarks, stories, enquiries. They laughed quietly (and not so quietly) at inside jokes, asked questions specific to their kids and households, sat together.
There I was, sitting alone. Nobody to share this event with. Nobody to see the tears well up in my eyes every time someone mentioned this is the last year before the kids to formal school. Nobody to take my hand and tell it is ok, she is supposed to grow up.
The whole experience just made my new normal so tangible. I was no longer part of a couple, of a team. I was the only pillar (trying) to hold my family up. A one in a world of twos.
There has been other instances that I was acquitely aware of the fact that I was a single parent. Like the time I had to ask the school permission to drop both girls at the same gate, since I couldn’t be in two places at once and could not leave one child in the car while I check the other one into school. But none of the previous times felt so personal as this one did. None left me with such a deep sadness.
I know there will be other times that I feel awkwardly outnumbered. I guess I need to start getting used to it. Either that or start teaming up with the other Ones so that we can at least be a collection.